Gateway Sun

Oh, hello there new neighbor. Welcome to our community.

I don’t know who you are yet. But you better figure out who I am, quick.

Because I’m the president of your Home Owner’s Association.

I have put in 35 hours a week for the past eight years for this community with absolutely no pay. And it’s like the people around here don’t even care.

As long as your stupid fob works at the stupid pool, you’re happy! You and your little family think you just show up at the pool and have a good time. Well let me tell you, little mister, that’s not how it works.

The pool is nothing more than a hole filled with evil. Like that time I tried to – heaven forbid – MAKE A DECISION.. and I hired a life guard. I got 18 emails telling me “We don’t need to spend money on a life guard! Quit being irresponsible!”

So, fiiiiiiiine. I get rid of the life guard. And then 15 more people emailed me “How come you don’t care about safety at the pool? We need a life guard! Quit being irresponsible!”

I cannot win. I can. Not. Fucking. Win.

And one of those emails? From that dipshit with no life who actually thinks he can sit on the HOA board. My HOA board?

Pffft.

Well do I ever have a surprise for him! I’ve “arranged” for a few loyal friends to show up at the HOA meeting to ask him a few questions.

“Why do you think you have what it takes to be on the HOA board?”

“What have you done for this community since you moved here?”

HA!

Nobody ever gets through those questions without looking like a total slacker compared to me.

And the new guy says he’s gonna bring in “transparency” and “shake things up”?

Ahahahahahahhahaha…

You can just bring that nonsense over to amateur hour at the HOAs that don’t even have a gate! What a loser.

Running for THIS board? … without my blessing? … I will expose you for what you are: just a regular person. Nothing more.

Just accept that you don’t have what it takes, okay? You don’t even know.

You just .. don’t even know. So don’t even run.

And let’s say you do run and the dumb people in this community do elect you, do you actually think I’m going to tell you what’s going on?

You’ll find things out at the same time as everybody else: at the meetings or not at all.

The best way to get on my board is to ask me what I want to do, and just go with it every time.

And then you’ll get a taste of the power. And you’ll never want to give it up.

The first two year term goes by at the snap of a finger, and it sucks. Monthly meetings where people just bla bla bla with their bullshit issues. And the EMAILS. I want to find out who created email and stab them in the FACE.

But then the next thing you know it’s been four years and you hate everyone in the community. AND WHO .. THE HELL .. GAVE THE VENDOR CODE TO THE PIZZA GUY???????? You give them YOUR code and have the gate call you!!!! You people drive me CRAZY. Like how stupid are you anyway?

Two years after that, you even hate people’s pets. That reminds me, next meeting WE OUTLAW PETS. Fucking pets. YOU MAY NEED THAT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BUNNY BUT I NEED AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BOTTLE OF CROWN NOW BECAUSE YOU FUCKING AHOLES DON’T APPRECIATE ANYTHING I DO AROUND HERE.

Now it’s year 8, and if you’re like me you cry before and after every meeting. You HATE .. the goddamn .. meeting.. If one more motherfucker tries to tell me about the FLORIDA STATUTES … I’m going to PICK UP MY CHAIR, RUN AROUND THE TABLE AND JUST BEAT THE FUCKER UNTIL HIS MAILBOX IS CLEAN, HIS ROOF HAS BEEN POWERWASHED, HIS LAWN IS MOWED AND HE STOPS STREET PARKING BECAUSE I HAVE TOTALLY FUCKIGN HAD IT WITH EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN PIECE OF DOG SHIT ON THE LAWNS AND OVERGROWN BUSH THAT I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT FROM BUSY BODY NOSEY AS FUCK NEIGHBORS WHO WANT TO WRITE ME ABOUT EVERY STUPID THING BECAUSE I AM THE GODDAMN HOA PRESIDENT AND I HATE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am running for re-election. I hope I can count on your vote.

About Jeff Kuntz

view all posts

Editor of the Gateway Sun and owner of restaurant delivery service Florida Food Runner.

You May Like This